Something About Forever Read online

  Taylor Swift starting singing again, and my stomach clenched. The last thing Mom needed right now was to worry about having to fix my phone. She might get so mad that she wouldn’t let me go tonight.

  Mom stared at the phone on the floor and creased her eyebrows.

  “I’ll let you get back to it. Remember you don’t leave until everything is finished.”

  She shut the door with a click, and I scrambled for the phone. A tiny crack crossed the bottom. I could live with that. No need to replace the screen. Mom wouldn’t even have to know. I let out a breath of relief. But I stared at Cherise’s name and cautiously hit the little green phone.

  “Girl, I thought you were dead.” I grinned. Nobody did melodrama better than my best friend. I’d miss her.

  “Nope. Just dropped the phone. What’s up?”

  “Are you done? We need to get ready before everyone shows up.”

  “Nobody is going to show up until nine. You know that. I still have one more box.”

  “Hurry up and get your butt over here. You are the star of the show tonight.”

  I was afraid of that.

  Star of the show meant being fed shots until I passed out. Who knows what it meant after that. Nothing I would remember. I’d been trying to figure out what it was I liked about partying. I wanted to justify why I was even going tonight, now that I knew better, but I couldn't come up with a good reason.

  The words from the forest came back to me. Change is good.

  Thoughts warred in my brain. I wanted to change. I really did. But, Cherise.

  This would be our last hurrah.

  I threw the rest of my shoes in the box and sealed it up.

  I would change tomorrow.

  Tonight, I would party.

  The theme song for Jaws blared out of my phone. I blinked my eyes open. My head pounded, and bile coated my tongue, but that was normal after a night with Cherise. I fumbled for the phone.

  “Hello,” I mumbled, my voice cracking. I tried to swallow, but my mouth was dry.

  “Where are you?” Mom shrieked.

  “Cherise’s. You knew that.” My brain was sluggish. I couldn’t figure out why she was upset.

  “It’s 12:30. We were supposed to leave a half-hour ago.” I squeezed my eyes shut. I should’ve set an alarm. But that was the last thing on my mind when I fell into bed last night. Come to think of it, I didn’t remember falling into bed at all.

  “Oh crap. Sorry, Mom. We stayed up late. I’m on my way home.”

  “You better be.” Her voice promised murder.

  I hung up before she could berate me even more. A crack of sunlight came in through the blinds. I’d woken up in Cherise’s guest room more times than I could count. I rolled over, and nasty breath assaulted me.

  I stared at the face and tried to remember him. He was decent looking with a mop of blonde hair and a strong jaw, but I didn’t know his name. I didn’t even remember meeting him.

  I slid out of bed and searched for my pants. Instead, I found the mini skirt Cherise had lent me. That wouldn’t do me any good. I held it against my body and slipped out of the room and into Cherise’s. Her bed was empty and still made up. My clothes were still on a heap on the floor near a corner.

  A bead of sweat dripped down my back. I’d never had to go home right away after a wild night. Mom might have noticed. I quickly changed, rinsed out my mouth with super strong minty mouthwash, and slathered on a ton of vanilla body lotion. Here’s to hoping for the best.

  I had to find Cherise before I left. I wanted to say goodbye.

  I poked my head into the rest of the guest rooms, but she was nowhere to be found. The kitchen was empty too, but a mess. Blue and red lights still flashed through the living room. There had been a green one too, but it was out. A couple lay entangled together on the couch. Ugh. I hated trying to talk to Cherise when she was with a guy. Not to mention that I often saw way more of them than I liked.

  I crept quietly to the couch, but the girl wasn’t Cherise. Disappointment flooded my chest. I wanted to say goodbye, and I had no idea where else she’d be.

  I stepped outside into the cold air. It hit me hard and I inhaled deeply. Nothing worked on my hangovers like the cold air did.

  Cars raced by on the busy street in front of her house. I called Cherise but she didn’t answer, instead, the phone rang into the void.

  Tears pricked my eyes as I climbed into my car. This was it.

  My last party.

  My last hangover.

  My last bad girl night.

  And I couldn’t even say goodbye.

  I wasn’t sure how I felt about that. I knew I had to get home, but I sat there and stared at Cherise’s house. That was the house where, when I stepped through the door, I forgot every bad thing that ever happened to me. It was the house where I lost my virginity, learned how to drink more than one shot without puking, and learned how to let go of past ghosts.

  Still…I knew it was a fraud.

  Right there I made a promise to myself that the first place I would go after I arrived in Tucson was church.

  It was definitely time for a change.

  Chapter Three

  The church building mocked me. Well, not really, but it sure felt like it. The way it stood out against the bright Arizona sun. The perfect straight lines of the roof. The tall steeple, reaching high into the sky. The sparkling clean glass doors. It was everything I was not. And I didn’t like that very much.

  It seemed way too far away. I couldn’t make myself get out of the car and walk to what I’d hoped would be an oasis for my soul.

  We’d only been in Arizona for three days. Mom made me move, and so here I was, seeking the change I wanted since I couldn’t control the change she forced into my life. Plus, it was either hole up in the house with Mom and Steve or go to church. I was not the kind of person that could just go out and find fun by myself—I needed someone like Cherise for that. And unless I wanted to fall back into the same patterns I had in Philly, church was a better place for me than finding another Cherise.

  If we’d stayed in Pennsylvania, I would’ve never done this. No matter what changes I made, I couldn’t set foot in church there. There was no way I could ever face the people in that ward again. But here, I had zero excuses.

  It’d been a long time since I’d stepped foot inside any church, and this was two thousand miles away from the last one I’d been in. Pennsylvania felt so far away.

  Finding a dress that was appropriate was certainly a challenge because my wardrobe was hardly modest. I finally settled on my navy blue sleeveless one that was almost long enough, but still probably showed too much leg. Legs really shouldn’t be an issue. Like I kind of get the cleavage thing, but legs? Somebody needs to explain this to me because I don’t get it. I shrugged on my sweater. At least it wasn’t the middle of the summer. December in Tucson had decent weather, but it was severely lacking in snow.

  I took a quick sniff of my sweater. It smelled faintly of cigarettes, but it wasn’t too bad. I’d washed my hair just before I ran out the door so that it wouldn’t smell. People would still judge though. I knew they would. Two years ago, I would’ve. But I couldn’t help that my stepdad smoked, and mom refused to tell him to take it outside.

  I sat in the parking lot for at least twenty minutes wondering if I’d really go in. Inside that building was what I came for, and yet, I waited. Here in a new town, no one would know me. I hated being the new girl though. And it would probably be obvious that I didn’t belong. I almost turned around and went back home. What was I looking for again?

  Oh yeah.

  That feeling.

  I craved it, and I knew church was the only place to find it.

  That presented a very real problem for me because this was all about God. How does one know God? I knew He was real. But He’s never been real, real, you know?

  And yet, I longed for Him to be near. I gripped the handle and wrenched open the door. Here goes nothing.

&nb
sp; Maybe I could slip in unnoticed and leave before the closing prayer. Baby steps, right? The doors to the chapel were closed, so I wandered around the building. I found a drinking fountain and took a sip. Nothing ever quenched my thirst here. It was just too dry. The bishop’s voice came on over the speaker in the hall, and a few people escaped out of the back door of the chapel. A little girl in a pink fluffy dress passed me, her skirt brushing up against my calf. Once upon a time, I wore a dress like that. I reached down and scratched my leg. I creaked open the door and found a hard plastic chair in the back corner of the overflow.

  Colorful families and a sprinkling of old people filled the pews. I glanced up at the stand for a moment. A handful of people sat behind the pulpit. They looked small from back here.

  I did my best to not make eye contact with anyone. I kept my eyes on my phone. I wasn’t really looking at anything. It was just so no one would try to talk to me. They’d see right through me. I was so far from what a Mormon should be.

  My mind was all over the place, and I barely listened to the talks, but at one point someone spoke about how true happiness comes from living the gospel. I snickered under my breath. Someone should tell that to Cherise.

  The choir stood up between the speakers and sang Be Still My Soul. It had been one of my favorite hymns. I sang it quite often and had even done a solo in our Stake Conference once. This choir was small and inexperienced. They sang softly, having little confidence. I could barely hear the song. Part of me wanted to get up on the stand and show them how it was supposed to be done. I snorted. That would be dumb. I really did want to come back. If I hijacked the choir’s song, they’d kick me out for sure.

  I cracked open the hymnbook for the closing hymn. The smell of old books hit me hard. I felt like I was right back in Pennsylvania, sitting in the hard pews with my sister on one side of me and my mom on the other. Dad would sit next to Mom, tightly holding her hand. They were so in love once.

  Yeah. That changed fast.

  The organ started and the peace came without warning, like a feather floating through my heart. It was faint, but there. I nearly cried. This was the real deal. Not the almost-there feeling that I had in bed with a boy or at the bottom of a bottle.

  But I didn’t belong even if I wanted to be here.

  I slipped out before the closing prayer.

  I leaned up against my car, taking deep breaths. I concentrated on the mountains far away in the distance. Wispy clouds floated near them. The feeling of the Spirit slipped away, and it was hard to remember what it felt like. I swallowed.

  I’d go back, but not today.

  When I got home, Mom was in the kitchen, making something divine, as usual. Her blonde hair was pulled into a tight ponytail, and she wore a loose blouse over skinny jeans. Before Dad left, she’d worn mostly sweats. I’d never realized how pretty she was until she started dressing better.

  She and I looked nothing alike. I was shorter and curvier with dark brown hair like my dad. She’d gone downhill fast after dad left her.

  Steve was good for her ego though. He was always telling her how gorgeous she was. Sometimes it was nauseating, but I was glad she found him. She deserved happiness after what happened. It’d be nice if he didn’t smoke, but no one was perfect.

  “How was church?” Mom asked with a tight smile. She would probably never step back into a church building after what Dad did to her, and I didn’t really blame her.

  “Fine. The ward is a lot bigger than our old one.”

  “Did you meet anyone?” The questions seemed obligatory. There was a distance to her voice, like she didn’t really want to know the answer. I suspected that had a lot more to do with church than me.

  “No. I snuck out before the closing prayer. I didn’t want to talk to anyone.”

  Mom creased her eyebrows. “Then why did you go?”

  “Why not? Something different. I dunno.” I couldn’t very well explain to her that I’d spent the better part of two years drunk on Cherise’s couch, and I didn’t want to do that anymore.

  Mom handed me a tomato. “Chop that, will you?”

  I pulled out a cutting board and knife. Mom stirred some onions and butter. She let out a breath. “I’m sorry we had to move.”

  “It’s okay. I kinda wanted to get away from Cherise anyway.” That was a lie. Cherise taught me everything there was to know about how to be a party animal. I still longed for home, but if I’d stayed, I wouldn’t be able to change. I still wasn’t convinced I was ready to change, though. Maybe.

  “Cherise was a sweetie.”

  Mom had no idea. Cherise put up a good girl persona for my mom, but when I said I was spending the night at her house, we rarely stayed at her house. I was pretty proud of myself that I managed to hide my life for two whole years.

  Not that it was entirely hidden. A couple of times I’d gotten into trouble, but Steve had always rescued me.

  “She was kind of a drama queen. I’m actually looking forward to starting over.” That was the nicest thing I could say about her at the moment.

  “We can enroll you in school now, if you want.”

  “And have a week before Christmas break? No thanks. I can just start in January.”

  They have like three weeks off for Christmas, so I wouldn’t be going back to school until the second week in January. I didn’t mind. I needed to catch up on some of my Netflix shows anyway.

  I finished chopping the tomatoes just as Steve wandered in. He was younger than my mom by about ten years and extremely good-looking. He was tall with dark hair and piercing eyes. He was a salesman and could charm his way into closing any sale. He knew it, too.

  Mom met him when she worked a catering job at a convention. They had a whirlwind romance, and before I knew it, I was holding mom’s flowers at the courthouse.

  I liked him instantly, but that was part of his charm. Though, mostly it was because he wasn’t Dad.

  Steve sidled up to my mom and wrapped his arms around her waist and kissed her neck. Oh, gag me.

  “I’m gonna go change,” I said and raced out of there as Mom started giggling.

  Back in my room, I thought of church and how I could find the Spirit more often. I’d only felt it fleetingly at church, and I wanted to feel it again. I opened up my computer and pulled up Mormon songs on YouTube. I listened to a few. Some of them were dumb, and I wasn’t a fan of the Tabernacle Choir, but I found several that I liked and built a playlist.

  Operation Feeling the Spirit had started.

  Chapter Four

  Feeling the Spirit was harder than I thought it would be. I listened to church music all week long and there wasn’t even an inkling of the feeling I was chasing. Music had always been a good out for me. Maybe it reminded me too much of dad. I thought about praying, but it had been so long, I didn’t even know what to say.

  So the next Sunday, I found myself in the church parking lot once again. I couldn't bring myself to get out of the car yet though. I had to summon the courage to go inside again. For the first time since I’d been here, the sky was gray and a cold drizzle fell. More incentive to stay in the car.

  My phone buzzed. How’s Arizona?

  Dad messaged me every couple of days, but I never responded. My sister, Sierra, sometimes tried to get me to talk to him, but she didn’t understand. She’d been out of the house and married when Dad went off the deep end. Plus, she lived in the city. She wasn’t there when he left Mom crying on the kitchen floor or when I had to face all my friends at school and not have any of them talk to me because of what he did.

  A few people glanced at my car before going inside. It looked like a ladybug, complete with eyelashes and black spots. It wouldn’t have been my first choice, but my dad bought it for me before I left, and as angry as I was with him, I wasn’t about to turn away a free car. Especially a brand new car.

  Even if it did look like an insect.

  The car was my dad’s way of reminding me of better times. He always called me his li
ttle ladybug. I refused to even come out when he dropped it off. Steve had to run interference for me.

  I looked down at the clock. Sacrament meeting started fifteen minutes ago.

  I let out a deep breath. I could do this. I deleted the text without answering and quickly got out of the car. I raced for the door, but nearly stopped before going in. There was a scent in the air, clean and fresh. It was like nothing I’d ever smelled before, but it was something in the rain.

  The overflow doors were closed again, so I waited for the sacrament to be over. I stared at a picture of the Tucson Temple that hung on the wall. It looked different than the temples I’d seen. If not for the Angel Moroni statue, I wouldn't even realize that it was a temple.

  The doors opened, and a few seats were available in the middle of the chapel instead of the back.

  This was better, actually. If I didn’t embrace this, I’d never get what I wanted. This time someone would definitely notice me. I wanted to be told that, maybe, I did belong. Maybe I could change.

  I snorted. Yeah right. I couldn’t just undo all the things I’d done. It didn’t work like that. My virginity was gone, and that tattoo on my back wasn’t going anywhere.

  I stared down at my hands. This was a mistake. No one looked my way anyway. There were no smiles, no covert glances. Nothing. Though, most of the people in the pews around me had gray hair. This was Arizona after all.

  I thought I’d stay for the rest of the meetings today, and I listened carefully to the speakers. A tiny inkling of the Spirit crept in, but it was fleeting.

  The speakers spoke on temples and how we should go more often. The summer after my eighth birthday, just after I was baptized, my parents took me to Temple Square. There were brides everywhere getting pictures taken. I told my mom I wanted to get married there. She told me to pick a temple that was less busy, but the Salt Lake temple looked like a castle, and I wanted to be a princess. I still did. Really, what girl doesn’t?